The Bachelor Pad is NOT a place for the cold-hearted male

Need proof? Mat, Jason, The Biscuit, and The Guillotine were seen together last Friday night NOT at the bars, NOT reading The Game, and NOT texting 50 women at the same time with the generic "Hey, what's up with you tonight?"

No, they were watching Jerry Maguire, searching for ways to walk the path of Tom Cruise, hoping to one day utter those totally uncheesy, totally realistic words to their soulmates: You complete me.

Serious.

Soulmates

A very well-written article by Helen Echlin
(from Yoga Journal magazine, hence the multiple references to yoga)

Sometimes you have to find yourself in order to find your soul mate.

Robert wasn’t a yogi or a meditator, but when Rosemary Garrison met him in 2004, she knew she’d found a soul mate. “He’s playful, inquisitive, freethinking, and utterly devoted to seeing me at my best,” says the 31-year-old yoga teacher, who lives in San Francisco.

Rosemary credits Robert, now her husband, with having a “spirit of play, levity, and freedom” that helps her not take herself or anything too seriously. And although she shares a lot of good times with him—dancing, cooking, and entertaining—Rosemary is clear that she doesn’t depend on Robert to feel good about herself. Like many other people, she has already learned that lesson the hard way, through failed relationships.

“Often, two people get together and hope the other will fulfill them,” says Anna Douglas, a vipassana meditation teacher and one of the founding teachers of Spirit Rock Meditation Center in Woodacre, California. “Often, a relationship can be a misguided search for our own completeness.”

Most of us have been there—attracted to someone who strokes our deflated ego, lavishes extravagant gifts on our scraping—by existence, takes us to the parties we would not otherwise be invited to, or somehow seems to fill a hole we don’t think we can fill on our own. “At first they appear magical,” says Douglas. “Later you realize they have their wounded places and needs and unfinished business they’re hoping you’ll complete for them.” And regardless of how much you have in common or how much love you share, a relationship can crumble under the weight of expectations that it will make both of you feel whole. If you’re on the hunt for a soul mate, your best move may be to take a break from searching online dating sites and instead commit yourself to your practice. It is possible to set the foundation for a great relationship—even when there’s no prospective partner on the horizon—by examining your beliefs and habits and seeking the real truth about what will make you happy. In the end, as Rosemary discovered, finding a soul mate has less to do with meeting potential candidates than with feeling complete and whole in yourself.

Practice Perspective

Several years before she met Robert, Rosemary was engaged to Jay (not his real name), a charming and wealthy headhunter who had been her high school sweetheart. “Here was a man who had everything and wanted me desperately. He was so affirming, loving, and devoted, it was like a drug,” Rosemary says of their six-month long-distance romance.

She was struggling to make it as an actress in New York and living far from friends and family. “He was living in San Francisco, where I wanted to settle,” she says. “He offered everything: a home, a car, a ring, living near my family and friends again.” So she donned the ring, packed her bags, and moved west. But almost immediately, she began doubting him and the engagement. Some part of her recognized that her “love” for him was based on something more like desperation than a profound sense of connection. Less than a week after arriving at his home in San Francisco, she moved out and began the soul searching that helped her see the truth of who she was, which eventually prepared her to find her life’s true love.

She was in her fifth year of practicing yoga, and taking a teacher training with Ashtanga teacher David Swenson, when she came to grips with leaving her fiancé. “Back-bending would crack my heart open, so I could grieve and actually feel what was happening and let it out. And Handstand helped me to heal. Partly it was the change in perspective. But it was also the ferocity of holding a posture past the comfort zone,” she recalls. “I was physically strengthening myself and emotionally burning through the weakness and sadness.”

For the next year, Rosemary devoted herself to a deeply introspective Mysore-style Ashtanga Yoga practice. (In this form of yoga, students follow a prescribed sequence of poses at their own pace, without a teacher leading them.) “I was very aware of my thoughts. I saw my desire to have my fiancé back—the validation and love and lifestyle. Then, little by little, the more I practiced, the more I realized that my desire for him was not going to be truly fulfilling,” she says. “My yoga training stripped my illusions away.”

Bo Forbes, a yoga teacher, Integrative Yoga Therapist, and clinical psychologist in Boston, says Rosemary’s experience is not uncommon; a committed yoga practice can absolutely transform our relationships. “Through our yoga practice, we learn to look at ourselves, including the parts of us that are less evolved. Learning how to do this physically, with discomfort in an asana, helps us to do this emotionally,” she says. “If we can’t sit with our emotions, we are more likely to act them out on ourselves or others.”

If we can figure out how to solve our own problems and to love ourselves, we’re not so needy. And that’s when we can enjoy a great relationship for what it is, rather than because our partner appears to fill some need we think we have.

Pattern Recognition

Our culture and traditions school us to believe the opposite: that someday our prince (or princess) will come, that a relationship has the potential to solve problems like loneliness, that the right partner will make us feel whole. Popular romantic movies propagate the myth of another person completing us.

On the face of it, the idea of being “completed” by another seems deeply romantic. But it’s a fantasy that can weigh down a relationship with impossible expectations. The truth is that while your partner can offer many things, he or she can’t “complete” you. The only person who can give you a sense of security and an unshakable love of you is you. And though you may “know” this with your mind, sometimes feelings of unworthiness, insecurity, and incompleteness are so deeply buried that you aren’t even aware of them or of how they influence your behavior.

Rosemary eventually realized that the unresolved pain of her parents’ separation had fueled a stream of difficult relationships, including her engagement. “I was so hungry for partnership and love,” she says, “that I would reason my way into staying in relationships that didn’t work.” The root of Rosemary’s unsatisfying relationships might be explained by the yogic concept of samskara—a pattern deeply ingrained in our subconscious that causes us to act out variations on the same theme again and again. “Sam means ‘complete or joined together,’ and kara means ‘action, cause, or doing,’ so samskaras are the individual actions, ideas, or thoughts. Together, they constitute our patterns,” explains Forbes. You can also think of a samskara in psychodynamic terms, as an unconscious groove that gets laid down early in your life and continues to be played again and again.

In relationships, these grooves keep you choosing partners for the same, often misguided, reasons. Maybe you look for somebody just like you (a mirror); maybe you choose partners who have some quality you wish you had (someone who is outgoing if you’re shy, or someone with a big, happy family if yours suffered through a messy divorce); or maybe you unconsciously try to recreate or correct the dynamics of your parents’ relationship.

“The definition of one of these patterns is that you’re not aware of it when you’re in it,” says psychotherapist Mark Epstein, author of Open to Desire: The Truth About What the Buddha Taught. “Usually you don’t recognize it until it’s ruined some part of your life.”

Feel and Heal

Such was the case for Simon (not his real name), 47, who repeatedly hooked up with depressed, angry, and unstable women who treated him badly. “These women did not wear a sign on their foreheads saying, ‘I’m a mess,’ but my radar would just pick up on that,” he says. He sought counseling and realized he was continually pushing his feelings aside to take care of his partners, who tended to require a lot of emotional energy. He was drawn to people with “more obvious and bigger baggage than my own, like actual clinical disorders,” he says. “So the focus ended up being on their problems, and I didn’t have to look at my own.”

Doing yoga and working with his therapist, Simon gradually learned to pay attention to his feelings. That changed his behavior. Last summer, for example, he pinched a nerve playing softball and was laid up in bed. His then-girlfriend raged at him for ruining her summer. In the past, Simon might have accepted this treatment. But his new awareness enabled him to feel his anger and hurt—and to express himself. His gut told him to end the relationship. Now that he’s aware of his own emotional and behavioral patterns, he’s able to keep himself from falling back into his habitual behavior. He finds that he no longer gravitates to women who mistreat him. He’s not in a serious relationship now, but he knows that when a connection clicks, he’ll be ready.

Completing ... Yourself

Jenni Noetzli, 32, spent her 20s chasing creative, unstable musicians. She had a degree in biochemistry and was interested in becoming a doctor or lab researcher, even as she succumbed to intense infatuations with “emotionally unreachable” guys—many of whom were into drugs and lived the rock ’n’ roll lifestyle.

Forbes says: “If we come into a relationship from a place of lacking contentment, we end up looking for someone to fill us up to make those feelings go away.” It’s important to try to address our missing pieces on our own.

Jenni did. She took a break from dating and got serious about her yoga practice. After a while, she realized she had been squelching her own creative impulses, which kept manifesting in the guise of attraction to wild artists. Doing some soul-searching, she decided her true passion was not conventional medicine but acupuncture. She pursued it as a career and now practices in Minneapolis. Lo and behold: As soon as she began to find creative fulfillment in her own work, she stopped lusting after musicians. She is happily married to a fellow acupuncturist, and yoga is part of her daily life. “I no longer feel my partner is an extension of my creativity,” she says. Jenni and her soul mate are distinct individuals, complete on their own, who respect and admire each other.

If we examine our romantic desires and suspect that they take the form of unhealthy longing for completion, we need to create our ideal life so we aren’t looking for someone else to do it for us. Nourishing the unsatisfied parts of ourselves, as Jenni did, is the key to becoming whole. Epstein, the psychotherapist, says that a regular meditation practice or therapy can help identify the patterns you’re stuck in. “If you expose the samskara to awareness, there’s a natural healing,” he says.

The reason meditation is so effective at rooting out these patterns, says Spirit Rock’s Douglas, is that when you have no distractions, you can’t avoid noticing your suffering. “Meditation brings to the surface what’s not working in your life,” she says. And when you stay with the sensations of suffering, you begin to see what’s causing the suffering—bringing awareness to your thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors. Like asana, meditation can also help you stop reacting to situations out of habit and can pull you out of a bad rut. “Before doing something you might regret, you learn to pause and reflect,” Douglas says.

Slow Down

To begin searching your soul, you don’t need to retreat to a monastery. You can simply start a practice in which you commit to having compassion for yourself and to learning to sit with and observe your feelings. “With many feelings, the impulse to turn it into a behavior is so strong that you’re already in the action before you’ve even reflected on the feeling,” Epstein says. “By deliberately not acting it out, you’re forced to be with the feeling.”

Taking things slowly can be helpful, too. Stephen Cope, author of The Wisdom of Yoga: A Seeker’s Guide to Extraordinary Living, suggests being mindful after getting involved with someone new. “With relationships, when we’re unclear, a very good practice is to slow things down,” he says. Take time to reflect before accepting a date, or get to know someone as a friend before letting romance develop. A time-out allows us to better see the true nature of our desire for another, adds Cope.

Once you’ve found wholeness within, you’ll see many more possible soul mates. Spirit Rock teacher Douglas says: “I once told my therapist, complaining about my boyfriend, ‘I don’t think he’s the right one.’ She said one of the most helpful things a therapist has ever told me: ‘Of course not. There is no right one.’”

In fact, you may just want to ditch the idea of a soul mate altogether. The very term “suggests there is another half who is going to complete you,” says Douglas. “But on coming into spiritual maturity, the thing that is most important to you is to be free and to love others, not to be looking for love.”

When you feel content without a soul mate, that’s when you may find it easiest to meet one. That’s what happened to Rosemary. Nine months after splitting up with her fiancé, she wasn’t looking for a new boyfriend. She just wanted to have a good time with her friends and joined them at a dance party one night. It happened that one of them knew Robert.

As he approached Rosemary’s group, she was struck by the way he looked at her: “We were in a crowd of people at a huge club, and he was looking directly at me. I thought, ‘If I start dancing with this man, there’s no end to it.’”

Rosemary decided to go for it. “The rest of the room dissolved. We didn’t look at anyone else, and we danced together for two or three hours.” Rosemary tore herself away only because she had a morning yoga class to teach. “When you let go of the desire for someone to complete you,” she says, “only then can you be truly open to what’s right for you.”

Helena Echlin is a writer in San Francisco

Article found at: http://www.yogajournal.com/wisdom/2520

Spring Cleaning & Thoughts on Change

April 28th, 2008 - From Project Everlasting's monthly newsletter, Love Notes...

Ah, the great practice of spring cleaning and rejuvenating...

Mat and I are just now emerging from a short nap in our respective bachelor caves where we each took opportunities to go on retreat and gather thoughts and creative energy. Coming back together, we then challenged ourselves at a Men's Leadership retreat. After that, Mat spent some quality time with Bob Proctor (The Secret) to become a Life Success consultant and Law of Attraction presenter (more on this later).

On a personal level, I packed up my boxes and moved up north to Washington state. The change-up absolutely rocked me. As in (and I'll borrow a line Mat and I heard more than twelve times at Men's Leadership): I WAS LIKE A SCARED LITTLE BOY.

For two weeks straight, the process of going through my things and facing ten hundred little-decisions-that-appear-to-be-huge-decisions (like, whether or not to toss the collection of iron-on decal t-shirts I so very much treasure...) tormented me into a "don't call me, I'm le'depressed" attitude. I made Mat's life hell (running a partnership with someone who doesn't want any more decisions, never mind communication, is rough). I was a scared, ungrounded little boy. And so I kept the iron-on decal t-shirts. All twelve of them. So there.

But now that I'm finally moved and unpacked and absolutely loving my decision to create a new home, I look back at those two weeks of self-torment and (a) laugh at myself, and (b) take a moment to reflect on lessons learned. One of the insights I found may help to serve you in your interpersonal relationships -- including the one with yourself -- today:

We are all wildly dynamic Beings...act accordingly.

My 30th birthday was in March and it capped off a winter of dramatic spiritual upheaval for me. During that transformational period of four or five months, I entered into new relationships with new friends (and love interests) which reflected my...oh, we'll call it "spiritual courageousness". Essentially, I was more daring with my authenticity, more lovingly, outwardly focused than usual (it was at this time that I met Nathan Turner on the streets). For those new friends coming into my life, the snapshot of me was a grounded, peaceful Jason.

Enter Hurricane...um, Trevor.

You know what they say about first impressions, right? Hard to forget. But if these new friends would have seen me during my two weeks of "like a scared little boy" packing madness and t-shirt decision-time sadness, they would have had a hard time reconciling the "change" they witnessed in me. I did not match the snapshot they'd taken of me prior; I simply was not me.

Enter Compassion.

My beautiful new friends continued to love me, despite my altered, less enjoyable personality, and for this I feel grateful. They exemplified the kind of compassion Mat and I saw so many times in our couples who'd not only gone the distance, but gone the distance enjoying one another's presence. As we say in our workshop, the Marriage Masters continually give each other a soft place to fall. How good does it feel to know that no matter how challenging my personality may become, I am loved by the people who choose to see the Truth within me at all times? Incredible.

It's my prayer for you, wildly dynamic person, that you are creating and maintaining each of your relationships with unflinching compassion. It's time to check in...to observe how you handle change in your relationships...and decide whether or not your attitude and behavior are serving you in your quest towards true love.

Have you ever heard the saying "A woman will choose a husband thinking she can change him; a man will choose a wife thinking she'll never change"? Have you noticed how true that is in the folks around you? Better yet, have you noticed how that may be playing out in your interpersonal relationships? Are you allowing your mate to grow and expand his/her creative expression...or are you resenting him/her for not being the person you first met and fell in love with? And, finally, are you giving yourself permission to shed old skin, old beliefs about your role and place in the world and in your relationships with others...

The question is: are you being Present in your relationships? When we get grounded and look at our mates in the present, we do not compare them to yesterday's version and ask, "Why can't he/she be like that again?" Or, "How can I change him/her back?" Rather, we ask, "How does God see him/her?" Then: "How can I see him/her like God does? How can I show understanding for where he/she is at right now?"

And remember: we are wildly dynamic beings. Change is absolutely a good thing, even if it means losing the [insert your attachment here; iron-on decal t-shirt collection, for instance]. Because look, let's face it, a marriage that lasts 40+ years isn't inherently pleasurable -- Mat and I witnessed this more than once, unfortunately. Forty years of stasis in any activity is a good prescription for...eh...death(?). A passionate marriage is the union of two passionate beings who both commit to compassionately supporting one another's growth and change. The Ruth and Eddie Elcotts (click here to watch their segment from our documentary film) of the world are lifelong mates who remain madly in love because they're growth-oriented individuals who commit to expressing themselves as authentically as possible -- and change is the truest form of authenticity I know of! And, sure, sometimes they piss each other off (all the time, actually), but at the end of the day Eddie looks at Ruth and sees her light shining brighter than ever, and realizes that she is annoying, yes, but bea. Meanwhile, Ruth looks back at Eddie and can't help but shake her head and say, "Divorce? Never. Murder? Often. But I can't get enough of you and I love you back."

So before you run off to do your own spring cleaning (or at least become okay with the idea of spring cleaning and change), check out this insight from Victor Frankl:

"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves."

May your relationships flourish due to your loving embrace of change and growth. Be well, my friend!

With love and gratitude,

Jason Miller
Co-Author and Producer of Project Everlasting
Projecteverlasting.com

Ruth & Eddie Elcott, from the documentary film and Chapter 2 of Project Everlasting: How do you keep from driving each other nuts?

Episode 5 / May 1st, 2008 / Soulmate Soup

Episode Description: It’s called levitation, holmes, and it’s what we men do when we encounter the One and Only, the Enchantress of Everlasting Love, the Magnificent Mistress of Magic: My Very Own Soulmate. For her, we drop everything: our relationship cynicism, our longstanding stints in the mancave, our best buddies, even our “nice, but not quite as cosmically connected” girlfriends. But most of all, we say goodbye to our sanity. Why? Is the whirlwind experience of a so-called “divinely orchestrated” relationship really all that divine in the end? How many soulmates are we allotted in this life? And how do we detect a soulmate from a, um, othermate? Hosts Mat and Jason enlist chums Biscuit and Guillotine to fish for answers from this muddy soup called “Soulmates”.

Check it out live if you like it live: VoiceAmerica, Thursdays at Noon, PST

The Biscuit!

Meet Christian Anderson, aka The Biscuit. When he's not waxin' about love he's giving it to you on-screen as probably the number one Home Shopping Network host-in-training in the world. And when he's not selling your mom some more cornbread making tools, he's writing plays and making films with his shortfilm-phenom group, See You Next Thursday. Go watch some of his films and then get ready to see The Biscuit climb across the den of LoveSnuffalupaguses untainted.

Does he ever stop making hits? No. He's from Chicago.

Novalena, the Dream Relationship Goddess

Meet Novalena, the Total Female Package who puts grounded, vibrant, loving tone into everything she does and everything she is. The Pad loves her.

We're a little late posting her bio, seeing as she was the star of the show 2 episodes ago (Download Podcast of Episode 3: The Project Everlasting Flame), but it'd be well worth your time to get over to her Myspace site and getting to know what she's putting out in the world with The Novalena Show:

BE YOUR BEST YOU (by Novalena)

I once wrote this quote in my high school senior wills for all of my classmates to remember me by: "Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see..For we walk by Faith not by sight." And here I am 10 years later, a breathing example of what I have always honored..sustaining FAITH in everything you believe will happen until you manifest the very goal, idea or dream to physical form.

I believe I have known since a very small age that my purpose in this life is to help others wake up! I am here to help you see that you have ARRIVED and you ALREADY have all that you need, within YOU. Do you wake up each morning with a sense of self worth? Are you happy in every moment? Are you craving for more financial freedom, fulfilling relationships, a healthier lifestyle, community involvement or constantly searching for your TRUE passion?

If any of those questions resonate within you this space, www.msypace.com/novalena, is made just for you. I have spent the past 5 years on personal growth in the following 5 areas of Wealth; Relationship, Emotional, Consciousness, Spiritual and Financial Success. I have learned from the best of the best. I have read over 100 published pieces, attended over 50 seminars and mingled with the likes of Bob Proctor, Michael Bernard Beckwith and Mark Victor Hansen to gain the tools to develop and attract anything and everything I want in life.

Everything happens for a reason. In life we are given great experiences or great lessons. Do you want to make 2008 your best year ever? Visit me at www.myspace.com/novalena and I will show you ways to achieve the best year you ever imagined and be your best self along the way.

The Guillotine!!

Happy Valentine's Day, loving ladies. Here's a young man who wants to play ball... Meet The Bachelor Co-Host, The Guillotine! (MySpace)

Finally...the LoveSnuffalupagus Captured

As promised, I present to you the dreaded beast that steals love away, The LoveSnuffalupagus. Beware, fellow romantics, this critter exists.

And Next Week on The B Pad - A REAL LEPRECHAUN!

We're gonna find out where the Leprechaun is hiding and then we're gonna ask him to be on the show and sponsor us. Luckily, this village of folk has the lil Irish laddie cornered. In a tree. And...I don't know what else to say except...it's going to be a good show.

Make it easy to get into The Pad

Guys like simplicity and so we're making it simple for you to find The Bachelor Pad. You need one of these suckas, dood:


Make it easy to listen to the show, live or archived. Click on the button there to download the Bachelor Pad Radio Show Desktop Icon, which will instantly connect you to our VoiceAmerica radio page!

See? Simple.

The Summer's Eve Chronicles

Hey, if you didn't catch our 4th eppy, Secrets of the MIA Male, then you're officially not right. Get your lil mouse cursor up to that big ol' VoiceAmerica button (top right) and download the podcast.

You heard Lauren Dutko aka Baker's Dozen, one of the writers behind The Summer's Eve Chronicles. Check out her SEC Facebook page and get ready to laugh about all the "douchebags" (aka Vanishers) she encounters in LA.

The Jake Ryan Effect

Real Men Can't Hold a Match to Jake Ryan of 'Sixteen Candles'
(The Washington Post | February 14, 2004)
By Hank Stuever




Listen to all the Thompson Twins songs you want, but let's finally admit that Jake Ryan from "Sixteen Candles" is never coming to get you.

Not in the red Porsche 944, and not wearing that Fair Isle sweater vest. Not with his shiny black hair moussed gently heavenward, not with his gooey brown eyes and square Matt Dillonesque jaw. He will not be standing there with his hands in the pockets of his 501 button-fly jeans (while leaning against said Porsche), and he will not be shyly waving at you from across the street. ("Yeah, you," he mouths, just as in the movie, after you look behind you to see what girl he could possibly be interested in.)

Let's be even more clear: Popular high school seniors don't dump their cheerleader girlfriends with great bods so they can ask out a sophomore girl nobody notices. Jake did not actually do this, because he is not real.

This last fact has not stopped many, many women (and not a few men on the refreshment committee) from wishing there was such a thing as Jake Ryan.

Jake Ryan, Jake Ryan, Jake Ryan. Write his name in loopy cursive on a piece of loose-leaf notebook paper and pass it on. Even though it has been two decades since the release of John Hughes's high school comedy "Sixteen Candles," there are women out there in their late-twenties to mid-thirties (and even younger, including teenage girls today who weren't even around in that era) who to this day are still pining for a fictional character, the perfect high school crush.

"Jake Ryan? He's only the most popular boy in school," goes a line from the movie. The simple utterance of his name is enough to add salt to the wound of Valentine's Day.

"He's the whole package," says Andrea Danyo, 28, who does public relations work for National Public Radio. "Even just the name has become something. I swoon when I hear it. . . . For just about all of my friends, 'Jake Ryan' is a given moniker for the ideal boy, as in, 'Yeah, it was a good date, but he's clearly no Jake Ryan.' "

"You had to believe in him," says Amy Kramer, 34, a producer for "Good Morning America" based in Washington. "The world would have been a much better place if everybody had a Jake Ryan. That movie came out when I was 15, and imagine being a 15-year-old and you find out there's a terrific, handsome, popular, rich guy who breaks up with the bitchy gorgeous cheerleader and actually notices the quirkily smart but not exactly attractive redhead. . . . And don't ever forget this, Jake Ryan was the guy who got back her panties from the geeks and did not make a big deal of it and didn't tell the whole school about it. And the same thing with the 'sex test' that she filled out and then dropped on the floor, which Jake found. Did he then show it to all his friends? No, he did not. If that happened now, that sex test would be scanned and on the Internet in two seconds. Oh, gosh, Jake Ryan. Just thinking about it now, I get . . . kind of . . . It's all just too good to be true."

It turns out the hardworking women of the broadcast milieu have lots of thoughts about Jake Ryan.

Kramer attributes her own advanced studies in Jakeology to the many weekends she used to work at CNN, where the television on her desk received only Ted Turner's channels, which have long had a habit of rerunning the John Hughes teen movie oeuvre ad nauseam Saturday afternoons. (And anyone who went to high school in the 1980s understands how difficult it can be to turn away from "Sixteen Candles" or "The Breakfast Club" or "Ferris Bueller's Day Off," no matter how busy they are, how many times they've seen it, or how many commercial breaks come along.)

Women who fell hard for Jake Ryan have for years secretly harbored the idea of the one true and perfect boyfriend who (through some Hollywood miracle we're never quite made to understand) notices the freckly, insecure wallflower Samantha Baker, played by Molly Ringwald, whose family has forgotten her 16th birthday. Ringwald stands in for Everygirl, who, on some subconscious level, hated being a teenager.

In the movie's happy ending, it turns out Jake (played by long-ago vanished model-actor Michael Schoeffling) has just as big of a crush on Samantha. He shows up at the end and takes her away to his big, rich house and gets her a birthday cake aglow with candles. This image of them sitting on top of the dining room table burned hot and permanent into the post-boomer female psyche.

"Make a wish," he tells her, about to kiss her.

"It already came true," she manages before the lip lock. Cue New Wave popsters Thompson Twins singing "If You Were Here."

And here's where reality intrudes:

"Thanks for bringing this [Jake Ryan's nonexistence] to my attention," e-mails Penny Britell, 35, who works as a producer at CBS News in Washington. "It reminded me that my lawsuit against John Hughes, Michael Schoeffling ('Jake'), and Universal Studios (collectively, 'the parties of the second part') is still in limbo whilst the Supreme Court decides whether to hear the case, which seeks unlimited damages for the permanent emotional disability incurred as a result of seeing aforementioned film and consequently believing such perfect men existed."

They don't?

"Sadly, no," Kramer says. "I mean, did anyone ever find a Jake? I have a terrific husband I love dearly, but when it comes to Jake Ryan . . . I'm speechless."

"Sixteen Candles," believed in some circles to be the best of Hughes's hyper-realistic paeans to suburban teenage life, offered the hope, before life dashed it.

"In hindsight, what a load of crap! As if the popular high school boy would ever dump the pretty blond cheerleader for the alternative girl," types Lisa Ling, 30, from someplace in China, presumably off on another assignment for her host duties at "National Geographic Ultimate Explorer." (Ling is also a former kaffeeklatscher on "The View.")

"If you're going to totally mislead your audience into believing such a farce to be true," Ling writes, "how about having the hot chick fall for Long Duk Dong?" (Long Duk Dong, for the uninitiated, would be that unfortunate Asian stereotype in "Sixteen Candles" played by Asian stereotype specialist Gedde Watanabe. He would be a tangent all his own, as would Anthony Michael Hall's triumphant portrayal of "the Geek," aka Farmer Ted, the anti-Jake. Now focus, ladies, please.)

* * *


Why Schoeffling? Why Jake? Why him and not any of a hundred other hunky love interests from underwhelmingly successful teen flicks and TV shows? ("I'm trying to think of another one who compares to him," Danyo ventures, "and there aren't. . . . Maybe that's why I'm single. Maybe he really has ruined it for us all.")

Women can talk about Jake two ways:

The first way is easy and chatty, in the hyperactive sing-song you hear from people who appear on all those VH1 retro-documentaries about '80s pop culture. (Oh, those weird, wacky '80s trends! Remember??!!) Actress Sarah Michelle Gellar told Cosmopolitan magazine in 1998 that "John Hughes killed high school for me" and Jake Ryan ruined her on love (this was before she met Freddie Prinze Jr., who falls somewhat short of Jakeness). Same goes for Jennifer Love Hewitt, who in 2002 told Rolling Stone, "My whole life, I've been waiting for Jake Ryan . . . to come and get me." And Moon Unit Zappa -- the ur-Valley Girl -- told the Times of London in 2000 that she used to carry around a photo of Schoeffling in her wallet, and even now: "I'd watch ["Sixteen Candles"] with anyone, even a stranger off the street. And if they don't like it, they're no friend of mine."

The second way of talking through Jake-related issues is harder. It's about an ache, a loss. It's about the imperfection of life. In the movie, Ringwald's character muses on what a 16th birthday is supposed to be like: "A big Trans-Am in the driveway with a ribbon on it and some incredibly gorgeous guy you meet in France and you do it on a cloud without getting pregnant or herpes." In this way she is asking for a miracle and Jake is Christ, redeeming the evil sins of high school. Jake as the ideal. Jake as the eternal belief in something better. (Jake on the phone, leaving a message Samantha is temporarily fated not to receive: "Would it be possible for you to tell me if there is a Samantha Baker there, and if so, may I converse with her briefly?")

Some women admit, when they look back at the movie, that there are a few red flags: "I don't really like guys who drive nice cars," Danyo says, thinking of the Porsche. "But I think he still has values." Also, there is the nagging suspicion that Jake only notices Samantha when he chances upon the lost "sex test" she fills out in her independent study period, writing that Jake Ryan is the one boy she would "do it" with. Also, he's a rich kid who hangs out with jocks and bimbos, and nothing good ever came of that, not in high school.

But Jake stands the test of time, even in his good looks. His wardrobe -- cargo pants, plaid shirt -- portends an Abercrombie vibe years before it came. His haircut requires only minor tweaking in a mental update of the fantasy. "He's timeless. He doesn't have a Flock of Seagulls hairstyle or anything," says Rick Sayre, 30, a bookstore employee in Miami who started a Web page devoted not only to the Jake Ryan ideal but to locating Schoeffling.

(Sayre's not the only one to try to root out the reclusive former actor. A 16-year-old high school junior in South Carolina named Julie also has a hunt-for-Schoeffling Web site. She didn't want her last name used, but would tell us, by phone, that she thinks it "would have been really cool" to go to high school in the '80s, instead of in this century.)

* * *


Finding Michael Schoeffling isn't nearly as easy as finding his fans. He did eight movies after "Sixteen Candles," none of them a big hit, the last of them in 1991. He played small parts, mostly as the hunky love interest.

He's 43 now and, last anyone heard, lives near Wilkes-Barre, Pa., where he owns a hand-crafted furniture business. (Yes, Jakettes: He's a carpenter. He works with his hands. In his last interview, in 1991, he was happily married to his wife, Valerie. Their two children would be teenagers now.) He's unlisted, and other Schoefflings in rural Pennsylvania won't help inquisitive fans. GQ magazine looked for him in 2002, and gave up, calling him "the Salinger of male model/actors."

"I cannot over-explain or over-emphasize the importance of Jake Ryan and that movie," says Amy Kramer. "You go look in the Social Security database. Look at how many baby boys were named Jake by women who saw 'Sixteen Candles' in the 1980s. Or even Ryan. Go to a toddler park and count all the Jakes. If your kid's not named Max, he's named Jake."

"The whole thing is he's not real, I know that," says Melissa Raddatz, 26, a New York-based publicist. "What he does in that movie are things you would just want a guy to know to do. And in reality, they don't."

"He takes care of everything," says Allison Deiboldt, a research analyst at Disney/ABC in New York and a bit young, at 23, for Jake worship. "Who knows if she ever ends up being with Jake or marrying him. You don't even need to know if they end up being the best couple on the planet.

"You just need that hope."

Episode 3 / April 17, 2008 / PE Flame

Coming Soon: 4/17/08 - Project Everlasting Flame: The Key to Keeping The Feeling Alive!

Say you meet the "needle in the haystack", that special someone who inspires you to jump aboard the monogamy train. The magical mojo is flowing, you're experiencing a chemistry and connection and comfortability that makes you sing: "I'm so in love!" Then, two years down the relationship road, some mysterious force presses the mute button on your heart and you bail, muttering four letter words under your breath as you try to figure out how cupid plays that nasty little trick on you yet again. Are you ready to know what the little old couple shuffling hand-in-hand down the sidewalk would say about keeping the flame alive? Are you ready experience true, everlasting love? If so, then you don't want to miss this episode, brought to you by the only two bachelors who discovered the secret to staying in love for a lifetime from hundreds of happily-ever-after couples!

Now in the Archive: What Men Want in a Woman (Episode 2)

Archive : 4/10/08 - What Men Really, Truly Want in a Woman

Count it down with Mat Boggs and Jason Miller as they decode the very essential qualities men have to see in a woman in order to even consider long term love. This is the nitty gritty, the fundamentals behind "Man Falls in Love with Woman", not the fashion ornaments and funky positions Cosmo wants to sell! The bachelors then invite a couple men of mystery to test their theories and further reveal how men really, truly choose a mate.

(Click on the Voice America link--right corner, atop sidebar--to listen to any archived show as a podcast)

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Episode 1 / April 3rd, 2008 / Head Over Heels

The Bachelor Pad Radio's World Premiere...

Our first episode on the VoiceAmerica network was a thrill and a learning experience!

Airing April 3rd, 2008: Head Over Heels.

Episode Description: We call them Women Of Wonder (W.O.W.) and, to borrow a line, they have us at hello. In this world premiere episode of The Bachelor Pad, Mat & Jason explore the question: What is it about these mysterious Helen-of-Troysters who possess the uncanny power to make our hearts pound, our thoughts swirl, and our tongues break? With the hilarious help of relationship guru Dr. Pat Allen (bestselling author of Getting to 'I Do'), the bachelors finally understand what causes chemistry and why some of the best women will forever be UBFF’s, (Unfortunately, Best Friends Forever). Before the day is done, Mat and Jason will pull a Marriage Master from their Project Everlasting hat, Mr. Eddie Elcott, who fell head over heels in love with a woman more than 65 years ago (!), and get his keen insight on how you know when you’ve met the love of your life.

Recap: We gave a brief introduction of ourselves, our relationship history, our work, and our unique friendship, and then welcomed Marriage Master guests, Ruth and Eddie Elcott, who were having some phone difficulties, but tried to give us a back story for how they met and how they knew over 65 years ago. After that, we had Dr. Pat Allen share some of the science behind attraction and male/female chemistry. Overall, our time ran way faster than we expected, so next week we will laser beam in on some more of our deepest relationship concerns.

Have something you want to explore in future episodes of The Bachelor Pad? Email us!

Welcome to the Pad!

It's all happening...and it all happens in The Bachelor Pad.

As long as women have existed, we men have been hiding out in their mancaves. Why? Because we didn't feel it was safe to express our innermost relationship thoughts and feelings and philosophies and struggles. It was considered weak and if there's any word that a man cannot bear to hear, it's WEAK.

Ok, but we've since grown more smarter. And now we're laying it all on the table. Men, this is our stomping grounds! The Bachelor Pad Radio Show is an extension of your secret conversations you have with your fellow males whenever women are not around.

Today's genuine man fears nothing in relationships, for a genuine man is exactly what women want. So let's dig, fellas. Let's dish some Secrets from the Mancave. Let's create the love and intimacy and support and fulfillment we've always wanted in our romantic relationships, but have never passionately expressed for fear of being beaten.

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